Josephine's Guide to Surviving in the Modern World
by fiona200014
Summary: This is a collection of short stories following my story "Outsider".
1. Jo's Plan

**Jo POV**

I glanced down the hall to the cracked door of my room where Thorin was still fast asleep. I then looked at Fili, who was sitting up on the couch and sipping some coffee I had given him with a glazed look of wonder. Tauriel and Kili were on the floor where the coffee table had been. Tauriel laid straight on her back, her arms on her stomach like sleeping beauty while Kili laid sprawled next to her, his arm sprawled over her stomach.

I stood up straight and sighed as I ran a hand down my face. Fili got up slowly and scooted carefully around his brother before making his way over to the other side of the counter. He placed his almost empty mug on the raised counter and sat on one of the stools.  
"What are you thinking about Jojo?" he asked. I poured the whisked eggs into the pan on the stove and placed the empty bowl on the counter beside me.

"Well it's...complicated." I replied, not looking up from the pan. Fili chuckled softly.  
"It always seems to be complicated when it comes to you." I looked up and smiled.  
"Yeah...I guess it is, huh?"  
"Despite that, you seemed to figure it out last time. You are a smart and determined woman Jojo, so I'm certain that you will find a way this time as well." he said with a grin.

I smiled at the reassuring words.  
"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong now?" he asked.  
"I was really happy when you all showed up last night, but..."  
"But...?"  
"This world is a lot different from Middle Earth, Fii. There's technology, and different jobs,and transportion and..." I trailed off.

Fili was staring at me wide eyed with confusion and curiosity.  
"I see. That is rather complicated." he finally said.  
"Eeeeeyup" I replied as I scraped the eggs onto plates.  
"Well, as I said before, I'm sure you'll find a way to teach us." he said, nodding to himself if confirmation. I placed a plate in front of him and he took a happy bite. He then looked up at me and grinned.  
"What's the first thing we should learn about Jojo?"

Just then, the door to my room creaked open and a sleep rumpled Thorin trudged down the hall, running a hand through his long hair. It dawned on me that he was in full gear. I looked around and realized all of them were. I had forgotten that we used to sleep fully clothed in case of an attack. I did a double take as I took in the armor and vast amounts of fur adorning the sons of Durin. I then glanced down at my sweater and leggings and pursed my lips. I looked back up at Fili and gestured to Thorin's entire being.  
"Clothes."

"What's wrong with my clothes?" Thorin asked, his brows furrowing in sleepy confusion. I chuckled quietly as the dwarf king joined his nephew on a neighboring stool.  
"I am not jesting!" Thorin said in irritated protest. A groan came from the floor as Kili woke up, which in turn woke up Tauriel.  
"'Rin, you have to keep your voice down when other people are sleeping." I laughed.  
"That does not-!" he started and then cut off, realizing how loud he was before continuing in a softer voice, "that does not answer my question."

Kili sat up with squinted eyes and looked around, his hair sticking up.  
"Whazgoin'on?" he asked, his words jumbled. I snorted and my hand quickly flew up to my face and I looked at Fili and Thorin before busting out with laughter with Fili.  
"Joey." Thorin protested at the lack of response.  
"Are you lot laughing at me?" Kili asked, suddenly more awake and scrambling up.

Tauriel sat up, somehow looking regal even after just waking up. Must be an elf thing.  
"What's going on?" she asked.  
"Joey!" Thorin said again, his frustration rising. Kili was now behind Thorin and Fili, pushing their shoulders asking why we were laughing at him. Tauriel stood up and walked over asking for confirmation as to what the rukus was all about.  
"JOEY!" Thorin yelled, now clearly upset. The brothers were now rough housing with each other and Tauriel was wandering around, taking in her new surroundings.

I stopped laughing and suddenly felt a tear slip down my cheek. Startled, I quickly wiped my face.  
"Joey, what's wrong?" Thorin asked. The boys immediately stopped.  
"Jojo?"Kili asked worriedly.  
"I just missed you all so much." I said and started crying more.

"Jojo, we came as soon as you left though." Fili laughed.  
"What do you mean?" I asked. They seemed just as puzzled as me at the question.  
"Joey... how long did it take for us to meet again?" Thorin asked.  
"A year. Why-?" I replied, confused.

Thorin jumped up, the stool smacking onto the ground, but he ignored it and came around the raised counter separating us and smooshed me in a Thorin bear hug.  
"Thorin?" I asked worridely. I thought about it a bit more before looking up. "How long did it take for you guys to find me?"  
"The wizard sent us right after you-um-died and...faded away."  
"Right after?" I asked.  
"Yes."

"Ooooooh, you know what? I bet he had to wait until my world's timeline got to my next birthday so he could use the specific spell or something. It was probably one of those 'only at this time' kind of spells." He pulled away and held my shoulders.  
"Josephine." he said seriously. Oof. He's using the serious mom line.  
"Yeeeeees?"  
"Was your birthday yesterday?" I blanked for a few seconds before slowly nodding yes. "And you didn't tell us?" he finished.

"Well, it was late and you guys probably experienced some weird things trying to get here and-" he lifted my face and kissed me, cutting off my rant. He pulled back and I stared at him in a daze.  
"If that's the case, I hope that our presence was a sufficient birthday surprise." he said grinning. Before I could reply his face became serious again.  
"Now you must tell me what is wrong with my clothing."

I laughed.  
"This is not a time to jest Joey. I like my clothes." he said very seriously.  
"Don't get me wrong, I do too, but it's not just you. All of you need to change your clothes." I replied.  
"What? Why?" Fili asked. I gestured to my entire body, and then gestured to the rest of them.  
"Clothes here are a lot different here. Fili, you said I would figure out a way to get you all used to this world. Well, this is the first step." I said.

I placed a finger on my chin and started thinking out loud.  
"Tauriel can fit in my clothes because we are both tiny, the shorts will just look like short shorts since her legs are longer." I started walking down the hall and they all followed me, knowing better than to intterupt when I get like this, but still curious to know what was going on.  
"I think you guys will be fine with the pants, but no armor or anything like that and we'll have to put your hair up in a man-bun or something and see if you can fit in my large t-shirts dad thought would fit me. But this will just be temporary. We'll have to go get you all at least 7 outfits a piece, at least for now. We can worry about getting more later once I get more money and the colder seasons roll in." I finished, spinning around with the t-shirts in hand.  
"Then, where do we go to get new clothes?" Fili asked. I grinned.  
"The mall."


	2. The car

**Jo POV**

"Are we ready?" I asked, hands on my hips as I surevyed our group. Tauriel was in an adventure time shirt and jean shorts that were a tad bit too short for her. I had braided her long hair and put a black bini on her head to cover her ears. Thorin was wearing a long white baseball t-shirt, Fili was wearing an old girl scout t-shirt that was a bit big even on him, and Kili was wearing a three wolf moon shirt that my dad got me a while ago because he thought it was funny. I had tied Thorin's and Kili's hair up into buns and left Fili's alone. He could pull off the surfer dude look, so I let it be.

They nodded as if ready for battle.  
"Phone, wallet, keys...keys!" I muttered before leaping for the hook holding the ring with the car and house keys. I opened the door and put on my sunglasses, not happy with how bright it was outside. I held the door open and ushered the others to come outside. Once they were all out I locked and shut the door.

"How far away is this...mall?" Thorin asked.  
"About a 15 minute drive, so not long." I replied, walking over to my ice blue golf GTI.  
"Drive?"Kili asked.  
"Wait! Jojo!" Fili exclaimed running over to me. He threw his arms in front of me in a protective manner as I reached for the driver's side door.  
"You must be careful. The metal beast is asleep. I have seen how fast these things can be. Let's not awaken it." he said.

I laughed.  
"This is not something to jest about Joey. You should know better than any of us just how dangerous they are." Thorin chimed in.  
"Guys, this is called a car. It's like a metal horse, only it's not alive and people can manipulate it." I replied. I unlocked the car and opened the door. I watched in amusement as the four of them fumbled around until Tauriel finally figured out how to open the door on the opposite side in the back. I walked around and opened the shotgun door.  
"Thorin, you sit up here with me. Tauriel, you sit in the middle since you're smaller and the boys can sit on either side of you." I said.

Thorin did as he was told and grunted as he plopped down onto the seat.  
"'Rin, you have to put your legs in too." I chuckled. He looked up at me like a lost puppy, but swung his legs up nonetheless. I looked towards the trio now bunched together in the back seats. The boys were fumbling to get their legs in too.  
"Ok, listen up and watch. You see the strap thingy with the metal piece up here? This is called a seat belt. I want you to grab the one closest to you." I instructed.

They looked around and finally grabbed their respective seat belts while I held Thorin's. Kili tried grabbing Tauriel's at first and I had to point out that his was on the other side.  
"Ok, now grab it by the top of the metal piece and pull it down and across you body like this." I said and did so across Thorin's body. they followed my action. I glanced down and grinned at Thorin's obvious blush.  
"Good. Now look by your thigh where the metal part is pointing to. You all find it?" I asked. They nodded. "You're going to put the metal piece into the red piece like this." I said and buckled Thorin into his seat.

They did as instructed. Kili started pulling on it and started wiggling around.  
"Jojo, I'm stuck!" Fili started to wiggle too and they both started panicing.  
"Guys...Guys!" They stopped and looked at me. "Trust me, ok? This is to make sure if we get into an accident you will be safe in your seat and won't go flying out the window or something. If you push down on the red part it comes off. See?" I showed them and unbuckled Thorin.

"Oh..." Kili said.  
"Thorin, I want you to try it too." I said, handing him the buckle before closing his door and walking around, closing all the doors, and finally plopping into my own seat. I closed my door and put the key in the ignition. I turned the car on and shifted my body so I could face them all. They all jumped at the sudden motor buzzing throughout the car.  
"You all need to keep the seat belts on until we get there ok? You are going to have to do this often, so get used to it. Cars are the main form of transportation here." I said.

They all nodded and I turned back to the front. I took off the e-brake and the car started rolling slowly backwards. Thorin's hand shot up to the "oh shit" handle and the boys grabbed onto the ones in the doors by them in the back. I chuckled.  
"Just wait until we get onto the freeway." I said as I finished turning the car and switched the gear to drive.

We drove out of the complex and turned onto the main street. We drove down a few blocks, passing the park, and turned onto the freeway.  
"You guys ready?" I asked as we pulled up to the stoplight, waiting for the green light allowing us to merge onto the fast paced road.  
"Ready for what?" Thorin asked, still gripping the handle bar. The light turned green and I pushed down onthe gas pedal.  
"To go faster." I replied with a grin.

After a 5-10 minutes I looked over and chuckled.  
"'Rin...'Riiiiin...Thorin!" I said. He looked at me, obviously still nervous. "You can let go now. You've been using a death grip for a while now." He slowly let go and seemed to relax once he realized that he was fine. I got lucky and happened to live in a forest filled area, but now we were entering town. We rounded a corner and I heard everyone gasp. I couldn't hep but smile. They were all like little kids.  
"Welcome to modern day Virginia, U.S.A, year 2022 everybody."


	3. The Mall

Jo POV

I felt my eye twitch as I stood in the middle of the mall.  
"I specifically told them to stay by me and they all took off!" I grumbled under my breath. I clenched my fists and squeezed my eyes shut as I took a deep breath. Hokay, I just need to find them. I opened my eyes and started speed walking through the mall, crowd weaving and glancing into each store in hopes of finding one of my kin.

I almost walked past Tauriel and felt my leg swing up and around dramatically. My eyes widened and I raced into the Victoria's Secret, snatching an overly lacy thong out of her hands. She looked at me in confusion.  
"Why is that loin cloth so thin? It doesn't -" I grabbed her arm and dragged her out of the store. Once we were back in the safe zone I turned, lightly grabbed both her arms, and looked her straight in the eyes.

"One, you don't want to know what that is for, and two, that's the big boobie store. We don't belong in the big boobie store, ok?" I explained as though I were talking to a child. She glanced down at her chest and scrunched her nose before looking at mine.  
"I suppose." She replied in disdain. I sighed.  
"Look,you lot still have much to learn about this world, and I can't teach you how to live properly in it if you all run away from me!" I started out calmly before letting my irritation get the better of me.

Tauriel stood up straight, her warrior instincts kicking in.  
"I shall aid you in searching for the others." She said. She then leaned over a bit, looking at something behind me and pointed. I turned slowly and did a double take as I watched Fili zip around. He looked like he was shaking and he seemed to be talking very quickly to random people, earning himself some strange looks.

I rushed over, grabbed his arm to spin him around, and immediately placed my hand on his forehead to assess his health. His pupils were dilated and his eyes were darting around everywhere.  
"Jojojojojojojojojojojojojoooooooo! Therearesomanycoolthingshereandisitjustmeorallthewallsmoving?" he said in a rush. I groaned, realizing what had happened.  
"And that is the last time I will be giving you coffee."

...

We had walked up and down the entire mall on both floors and there was still no sign of Thorin or Kili.  
"What part of 'stay together' did all of you not understand?" I muttered. Fili was starting to make my arm tired. It felt like I was holding on to a big puppy on a leash.  
"Fili, you're supposed to be the more responsible and collected brother. If you're acting like this, I can only imagine what trouble Kili's gotten himself into. Where is that dwarf anyways?" I grumbled.

"Hmm? I'm right here?" I swung around and jumped at the sight of Kili suddenly behind me.  
"When the hell did you get here?" I asked. He furrowed his brows in thought.  
"About five minutes ago." he replied.  
"And you didn't feel the need to say anything?" I glanced down at his held up hand. "And where the hell did you get a soft pretzel? Oh my god, you didn't steal it did you?" I started looking around for a mall cop to make sure we were safe.

"I didn't steal it. I traded it for some green little parchments I found in the car." he replied with a hurt look. I pinched the bridge of my nose.  
"How is it that you, of all our company, have figured this out so quickly?"  
"What?" He asked.  
"It's just, you're usually the one who's the most oblivious and gets into trouble, and this one," I pointed at his brother, "is usually the one who's more responsible."

Kili looked at his brother and his face contorted with confusion and worry, finally seeming to notice his sibling's predicament.  
"What curse is upon my brother?" he asked.  
"Caffeine." I replied with yet another groan as he yanked on my arm again.  
"How does one cure a caffeine curse?" He asked, his head turning toward me, but his eyes still on his brother until after he spoke.  
"I think all we can do is wait it out." I said disdainfully.

Fili suddenly yanked too hard and escaped from my grip.  
"Wait-!" I swerved around just as he turned and bolted. I just stood there as Kili and Tauriel ran after him, zipping past me on both sides. I sighed for the umpteenth time that day and numbly walked after them.

...

At some point I had ended up in a clothing store.  
"Jojo." A voice suddenly said behind me. I shouted weakly and spun around. Fili was standing behind me with Thorin in his grip.  
"When did you- How did- Why is it that you two must constantly surprise me by popping up behind me without any warning?!"  
"Two?"  
"You and your brother... When did you get back to normal? Did you manage to run it all off?" I asked.  
"To be honest, I have little memory of the past half hour, but I found uncle." He offered in an attempt for peace.

I looked over and felt my shoulders drop in exhaustion.  
"Thorin... why?" I asked, flopping my hand out and pointing at the garment over his shirt, waiting for an answer.  
"Why what?" He asked.  
"Why are you wearing a bra?" I replied, shooting my arm out more and booping the soft fabric.  
"Is that what this chest plate is called? It doesn't seem like it would do very much in battle." he said, looking down at it.

"Thorin." he flinched, realizing I was using his name instead of his nickname.  
"Yes?"  
"Have you never been with a woman before?" I asked bluntly. He blushed.  
"Well, honestly...no. You're the first woman I've ever loved Joe-"  
"Thorin." I cut him off. He shrank back, Fili following along too. I thought about his reply for a second and found my irritation deflate. That actually made me decently happy. I started to laugh a bit.

"Is she ok uncle?" Fili asked worriedly.  
"I am not too certain." he replied.  
"I'm sorry you two, I didn't mean to become such a grump. I didn't realize how hard it would be to teach you all about this world. Thorin, that's meant to hold a woman's breasts." I said. He looked at me and just blinked for a few seconds before snapping out of it and fumbling about trying to take off the bra.

I laughed and grabbed his shoulders, turning him around and unhooking the bra. He turned around and I waggled it like a fish and he jumped back. I laughed as I put it away just as Kili and Tauriel caught up to us.  
"Oh, there you all are." he said. He then looked at his brother and grinned. "Fili, your caffeine curse has been lifted." he said smacking a hand onto his shoulder.  
"Well, now that we are all together again, let's get you all some clothes." I said.

...  
"Joey, I don't understand the numbers on these pants. Why does one say '36 ex 38', but another one that looks the same says '38 ex 38?'" Thorin asked, holding up to pairs of jeans.  
"One number is the waist measurement and the other is the leg length. It's like saying 'these jeans are this many inches around the waist by'- the by is the x- the length of the legs. You guys are just going to have to eyeball it and then go try them on until you find your size." I explained.  
"Size?" Thorin asked.  
"Yeah. We don't get many things tailored here. They mass produce clothes and make them based on a range of sizes that they created for babies, toddlers, children, teenagers, men, and women. You have to find the size in one of those categories that fits you." I replied.

I grabbed a pair and held it up in front of his waist.  
"For example, we are in the men's department and this looks like it will fit your waist, but the legs are too long. You'll have to get another pair with the first number and find a second with a smaller number." I said.  
"But I am not a man. I am a male dwarf." Thorin replied, taking the pants.  
"'Rin...this world only has humans." I said. His face contorted, trying to process all of this information.

I turned around to check on the other two boys. After they all had run off, my mom mode had gotten activated.  
"How are you two- Kili, how do you already have all of your outfits picked out?" I asked in disbelief.  
"I just liked them and they look like they will fit." he replied, confused at my little outburst.  
"Have you tried them on yet?" I asked.  
"Not yet. I wanted to help Fili find his clothes. Where should we go when we're done?"  
"Hoooooh, that's a good idea. Help your uncle too and go to that room over there that says fitting rooms. I'm going to go check on Tauriel." I pointed before taking off.

*cue spongebob voice* 4 ow-ahs lay-tear...

I unlocked the door, walked over to the couch and plopped face first onto it. I groaned as the others walked in with multiple giant bags of clothes.  
"You guys are lucky I don't spend money often and I'm good at finding sales." I grumbled. Tauriel got 3 pairs of jean shorts, a few pairs of brown and black leggings, and a pair of slim jeans. She got a few plain t-shirts in different shades of green, a pale yellow summer dress, and a black sweater. The boys all got a bunch of graphic t-shirts that Kili found and different pairs of cargo shorts and 2 pairs of pants each. They also found a blue hoodie for Thorin, a black one for Kili, and a grey one for Fili. All of them found a tank top and shorts in their sections for pjs.

"Jojo, that was fun. We should go to the mall more often." Fili said.  
"Sure, but you won't be able to buy anything for a while. I just spent a whole lot of money on you guys. You're going to have to figure out a lot before any of you can get jobs to start paying for your own stuff." I replied, my voice muffled by the couch.  
"Jobs?" Kili asked. I just sighed.

"No more lessons today guys. I'm too tired." I said. I lifted up my head, my hair strewn across my face. "Hey, pull out an outfit and put it on. I wanna see my hard work paid off and we can watch a movie or something." I flopped my face back down. I started to drift to sleep and felt my body lift up off the couch. I tensed at first, but then relaxed as the comforting scent of Thorin washed over me. He laid me back down on what felt like my bed and placed his lips on my forehead. I smiled and felt my consciousness drift completely away, lulled to sleep by Thorin's fingers running through my hair.


End file.
